How Can We Help?

During difficult times, we naturally turn our attention inward to take care of ourselves. However, it is in these same times, that something else really amazing happens; we turn to others to ask: “How can we help?”

Over the years, I have witnessed this phenomenon in myself and in others. I have also observed it in the hundreds of clients I have worked with. Almost every time that I get to hear about the difficulties my clients have had to face, one of the things that stood out was the way they perceived others during those moments. In times when it seemed that their world had collapsed, in times of trauma and pain, they found themselves supporting others. In my opinion, this act of support, is part of what helped them recover after the difficult times had passed.  

Helping others is more than just being kind

The current situation with the threat of the Coronavirus, that we are all facing now, made me think of this subject. This too is a situation in which people are clearly supporting each other. We are all worried, not only for ourselves, but also for those whose immune system might not survive the effects of the virus.

We admire the professionals who are in the frontlines: the nurses, doctors, emergency teams, researchers, and others who are working together to help saves lives. We are all grateful to those who are working day-in and day-out in support of our well-being.

Somehow this situation brings out the good in people, the shared worry, and the willingness to help. How can we help? How do you feel? Do you need something? Questions arise that at other times seem to be out of politeness. Now, they suddenly come from a place of shared responsibility for humanity itself.

People put themselves into quarantine just to make sure that they are not harming others; people work less, knowing that their livelihood is being affected, but know that this is done to prevent the crisis from growing. People buy food for others, and come up with new ways of helping them. The question “How can we help?” becomes present in everyday communication.

In times of great difficulty

When I still lived in Israel, one of the clients I worked with was a man in his 40s. In one of our sessions he told me about a situation he was in 20 years earlier, during the 1982 Lebanon War.

“We were part of a convoy when suddenly a tank, 100 meters ahead of us got bombed.” He looked at me, as if asking if it was okay to continue his story. “I ran with my friends to evaluate the damage and try to rescue any survivors. Another missile was fired but we continued running ahead.” I remember vividly how the room became cold and how I shivered from hearing the story.

His eyes searched for mine, almost embarrassed that he needed to tell me the details. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it. “I lost some of my best friends that day” he said, and I couldn’t hide my tears.

The theme of our work together, was actually something else completely. But it became quite clear that he needed to process some of his past experiences in order to manage his family life at the time. He needed to be able to support his partner in times of difficulty and to allow her into his heart even more deeply.

“The medal they gave me is still somewhere between my things. A heroic act, they called it.” His voice almost spat out the words.

“From where did you have the courage to run and try to save your friends under fire?” I asked.

“I had to. There was no other choice.  I thought of nothing else. I only thought of these young men with whom I had shared breakfast just a few hours earlier. I thought of them and of their family.” His eyes looked at me. Blue and deep, like the ocean.

There was a lot of silent communication in the session. In the hands-on part of our session, he lay on his back, and I placed my hands on his wide chest, while guiding him to breathe more deeply. I could almost feel his heart under my hands, clearly not the physical organ, but the place where all of his ordeals needed to be processed. His voice was steady when he said: “You know? I think that this is what saved my soul”.

“What do you mean?” I asked

“I had to help them, even when I knew that I couldn’t save them all. It was all I could think about. I needed to help them.”

“I understand”, my voice and hands answered him. I loved him for that statement. And could see how much sensitivity, gentleness and care existed inside him. Traits, he usually didn’t identify with much. I knew then, in that session, that those past events would eventually lead to the answers he was looking for in order to face his family crisis. He needed to let his loved ones see that part of him, that he usually did so much to hide.  

How we act matters

The coronavirus situation is obviously nothing like a battle in times of war. There is no fire, no soldiers, and no combat. And yet, this drive that makes us give a helping hand, help in any way we can, and support others, is present.

How can we help? Is an attitude for moments like these. It is also our ability to help others that assures us that we are not helpless; that we can think beyond our own personal situation. I feel the wish of help from people around me during this time. I feel the wish to know what we can do, and how can we support each other. None of us will receive a medal for it, and it is likely that it’s only the people we directly help who might even remember our acts, yet, no matter how big or small, our actions matter.

How can we help? Ask around and look around for those who don’t know how to voice their needs. Naturally, we need to stay healthy ourselves, but we can and should always ask: How can we help? How can we change what we usually do in order to benefit those around us? Can we teach online? Can we help with the grocery shopping? Can we help financially or with a supportive word when needed?

To look beyond ourselves is our moral duty. But I believe that it is also the only way for us as a community to move through challenges with our inner strength, while acting and growing stronger together.

So how can we help? How can you help?

By Vered