How to Navigate Differences and Disagreements in Relationships
Let’s say it bluntly; sometimes we don’t understand how we ended up being with someone. I’m sure we’ve all experienced it once or twice – with a friend or a partner, of any gender. We have carried on, in the belief for some time that the relationship is meaningful, until differences and disagreements prevail and one day we look at them, and think, “I can’t stand this person!”. In that moment we see everything that we think is ‘wrong’ with them – from their opinions and their actions, to their looks and their family and so much more.
Sometimes we might also say to ourselves; “I’m not being treated well enough” or “ I don’t get what I need”. We then fly around in our mind from laying blame on them, to imagining a ‘better’ scenario with someone else – an imaginary perfect friend that will give us all that we want and need. “I am much better off without them” we might say to ourselves, with an arrogant tone.
Thankfully, we don’t always pursue what is running around in our mind at any given moment. However, it’s also true that often we don’t know how to really solve the issue, or how to live with the differences and disagreements we have with that person. We might move from one dramatic scenario to another, or ignore the issue completely – continuing as if nothing had happened.
Recognising differences is the first step
So let’s start from the obvious. It’s impossible to have any meaningful relationship without experiencing some friction and a few clashes along the way. Every one of us comes to a relationship with our own gifts to give, but also with our own wounds and needs. We also have different ideas about life, different ways to deal with conflicts and different goals and desires. The deeper the relationship gets, the more our lives are intertwined and subsequently, there are more points where we can rub against each other, in ways that are conflicting rather than uniting.
When we can fully see the complexity of our differences, it becomes clear that our expectation to have continuous harmony is impossible. For me, it is in that truth where the real beauty can be found. It’s inspiring when two whole personalities are able to co-operate and communicate, to create a togetherness that is unique to them.
So, how do we deal with differences and disagreements in a saner and kinder way?
First of all, we can’t ignore our differences and disagreements. Pretending that everything is fine, will only create distance and awkwardness in the long run. Strong emotions will be triggered and each of us has their own hurts and disappointments, that need to be expressed somehow. Allowing them to flow naturally – also as physical experiences – can help us to get to the root of what really bothers us, or to identify what we would like to be different. When we become clear and specific, the issue is usually much less overwhelming and it becomes more possible to connect and find solutions together.
Come back to the larger context of the relationship
Going through this process – in our hearts and minds, and paying attention in our bodies – allows it to be intense on the one hand, but grounded in reality on the other hand. It allows us not to lose respect for the relationship and to still see our own responsibilities and involvement in the issue.
The connection to our body allows us to experience the conflict at a deeper level and to learn that the differences, or the current conflict, are not the full picture. We can broaden our perspective to other experiences that the relationship is comprised of; to feel the connection to the other person and the love shared, to acknowledge the investment of time and attention that both have contributed and the relationship’s particular language of communication. We can put aside for a moment the current point of difficulty and expand our attention to the other person. Sometimes this simple act allows us to feel who this person is in essence and remember why we connected with them to begin with.
On this neutral ground, it becomes more possible to find out how to communicate our needs in a productive way, deal with the differences and disagreements and also set out priorities to decide how to continue. The solutions are not always immediate – sometimes it takes time to negotiate and find a new way to proceed. Living well with the open questions, until we arrive to a shared understanding and manage to find solutions, is part of the process.
Body awareness and conscious communication can help us reconnect with the foundations and the essence of the relationship and give us a broader perspective, so we can set priorities with a clear head. It allows us to react less strongly when we encounter the point of difficulty, not to question too fast the whole connection and still allow ourselves the personal freedom to want change and development. It can in time lead to a stronger and more dynamic relationship and the depth of trust that is achieved from this attentive process is priceless.
Merav is delivering a workshop on this topic next Thursday 24th May in Berlin. You can find more information about it in the Crossing through Differences & Disagreement in Relationships Facebook event.