What Can We Learn From Our Behavioral Patterns & Habits?

Our patterns, whether behavioral or emotional, form a major part of how we navigate our life. On the one hand, we are constantly trying to adopt new habits, and on the other hand, we try to get rid of those habits that we dislike. When the Pantarei Approach was founded, I was fascinated to realize how much we can actually learn from our patterns.

What do my clients want?

Many of my clients ask me how can they implement new emotional habits, such as being more confident, accepting themselves more easily, being more relaxed, or feeling happier in their day-to-day.  Others, wish to change behaviours, so as to eat more regularly, spend more time with their loved ones, or be more physically active, for example.

While some clients focus on what they want, others focus on what they don’t want, and ask for help in their attempts to get rid of the habits and patters that hold them back. This includes things like: “I want to stop eating when I’m nervous”, “I would like to stop my insecurity”, “I would like to learn how not be invisible in group situations”.

Which new patterns do you wish to adopt? Which patterns you wish to let go of?

In my 30-year career as a somatic practitioner, I worked for quite some time with a methodology that focused on teaching people to stop their unwanted patterns. My clients would tell me about the daily habits that bothered them, and part of the way I guided them , was to teach them how to stop those patterns.

During those years, I gave thousands of sessions and heard so many stories. People would tell me about their relationships, how they always got angry when this and that happened. They told me how often they felt worthless or helpless, and they inevitably asked for my help.

Tell me more

I would ask them to tell me more about their typical responses or patterns, and would be attentive so as to caputre as many details as possible. We would look at how they automatically clenched their jaw, how their breathing changed, and we would describe how they moved their hands. They would tell me how they felt and even what kind of thoughts they had, so I could teach them to control what they did. The logic behind it was that if they only recognized what they did and how they felt, they would inevitably be able to learn how to control and stop the unwanted responses.

I explored with them the history of their patterns, and knew how to find traces of it in their past. The same person who wanted, for instance, to stop feeling lonely, would tell me about their childhood, and it would be understood that the same kid who was bullied at school, continues to feel rejected in social situations as an adult. Similarly, the child who was left home alone by his parents, was the adult who never managed to shake off his feeling of loneliness.

Although this way of working was effective, I was disturbed by how much of our attention in the sessions was directed at exactly those things that my clients didn’t like about themselves – their patterns. It became a game in which the outcome was either a success or a failure. Success was when my clients managed to respond as desired. Failure was when they continued responding out of their automatic patterns.

The Pantarei Approach

When I co-founded the Pantarei Approach, it was important for me to review my way of working, and search for an alternative approach. I looked for a way to strengthen my clients, and step out of the circle of success versus failure. Pantarei was founded as an approach that explores the uniqueness that exists within each one of us. Our habits and patterns, I realized, were just another clue as to what makes us who we are. They are not something to be judged.

A doorway into recognizing our uniquness & individual strengths

It has been 4 years since founding the Pantarei Approach. I am still amazed by what I witness with my own clients, and in what other Pantarei practitioners tell me. The ability to relate to our patterns as a doorway into recognizing our uniqueness and personal strengths, has an incredible effect on how we think and act, and of course, on how our clients are able to deal with their challenges. To focus on what is unique about a person, and to see this as their strength, is transformational and it is what I enjoy most about the work that I do.

This style and the change in the way in which I worked came to me through the experiences gained giving sessions to my clients. I remember a particular session in which my client told me about the insecurity she felt in social situations. I was just about to ask her many questions about her insecurity, about the way she felt, the way she held her body, and the way she experienced it all, when I stopped myself.

I remember that I took a moment to breathe and think. I slowed down. I looked at the interesting woman sitting in front of me. I looked at her smart eyes that looked back at me with curiosity. I saw the colorful shirt she was wearing, and the tasteful earrings she had on.

When she talked about her insecurity I heard her words, but I listened beyond their literal meaning. I understood her wish for real connection. I could perceive her curiosity and her lack of interest in shallow small talk.

I asked her about the friends she had, and discovered that she had very rich and meaningful friendships.

Opening up to a journey of self-exploration

In that moment I understood, what is so clear to me today. We can learn from our habits, and if we don’t relate to them as something that we need to stop, we can open ourselves up to a wonderful journey of self exploration.

The insecurity my client experienced in those social encounters, was not at all what I wanted to focus on. Instead, I heard that her feeling of “lack of confidence” in those specific moments, also communicated how much she wished to have meaningful conversations and deep connections. I could hear how thirsty she was for depth and real contact. I could see how she honored the friends she had, and how much she loved being in situations in which nobody had to pretend to be anything other that what they were. When I told her what I perceived, I could almost feel how her entire body relaxed and how she got a rush of new energy. I could truly see her, and she felt it.

In the hands-on part of our session, we continued to explore exactly this. And while my hands helped her shoulder muscles to feel strong yet flexible and relaxed, she shared more with me. She told me about how she used to observe the popular kids at school, not knowing how to be a part of their conversations. She told me about the time in which she had to take care of her sick mom at home. She told me about her work and even about the way she listened to music.

Learning from our patterns and embracing what they represent

What she related to as an unwanted pattern or habit, turned into a new realization about her. It gave us both an opportunity to understand more of her uniqueness and what happened to her during her life. I loved her for all she showed. I loved how strong she was to take care of her mother. I loved her for the clear challenges she felt with people and I could easily identify with some of the things she experienced. At that point I didn’t see any reason why we should focus on her becoming more confident in social events. At least, not the kind of confidence she had in mind when she approached me for her first session.

There was no reason to change her, or to teach her to stop her insecurity. Instead, we explored her love for deep connection. We appreciated the relationships she had already created. We enjoyed who she was, and this process led her to owning it. “We can learn from our patterns”, I remember telling her.

And in social events with many new people? She still doesn’t feel completely comfortable in those, but it doesn’t bother her anymore. Once she realized that these social situations are not what she is looking for, she naturally stopped judging herself for wanting to find a quieter corner for more profound 1-to-1 conversations.

Over time, the tension in her neck disappeared and she no longer feels so tired after social events. In addition, the relationships she already had, deepened, and she appreciates her friends so much more.

What story do your habits and patterns tell about your unique and beautiful character? What do they reveal about your heart, your wishes and your dreams?

By Vered Manasse