The Dance of Self-Growth: Embracing Light and Dark

I am writing this article on the 21st of June, the summer solstice. Some people in my life are focusing on the fact that today is the longest day of the year, while others relate to how the days will start getting shorter from this point on. So, which is it? I often think about the dance between light and dark and the question of what we should focus on in our self-growth. This question was a guiding force for Claudia and me when we created the Pantarei Approach in 2016.

For many years of my professional life, before co-founding The Pantarei Approach, I focused on the shadows in people – the unconscious, suppressed or denied parts; fears, traumas, and harmful behavioral patterns. As a somatic practitioner, I believed we needed to bring these hidden aspects to the surface, acknowledge them and work toward integrating what we judge or reject into conscious awareness. I believed the only way to free oneself of shame was to focus on that shame. I believed that courage was primarily achieved by allowing in the fear.

Choosing a path of light without ignoring the dark

When the Pantarei Approach was established, Claudia and I had many conversations to clarify our values. We had each been working as somatic practitioners for over twenty-five years with a methodology that actually taught us to focus on the ‘unwanted’ elements and parts of ourselves that we want to change, reject or hide. Through our experience and our conversations together, we came to realize that this was not the pathway toward health and wholeness we wanted to guide people on anymore. We didn’t want that for ourselves and certainly not for others. This realization created a huge shift in our perspective. As a consequence, we decided to broaden the path of our approach to include a deep curiosity for each person’s resources, strengths, and innate beauty.

When people come to Pantarei Approach sessions, they often seek support in dealing with something they consider problematic – a physical or emotional limitation. It can be their headaches or a sensation of loss, frustration, confusion, or lack of willpower. Their energy is invested in what doesn’t work, and part of the person’s wish is to explore how they can release that energy so it can be useful for them. In the past, I believed that the stuck energy was the key for change. The Pantarei Approach relates to the resources and the innate beauty of the person as the key.

Allowing a person’s light to take a central stage in the healing process is far more pleasurable and, surprisingly, more efficient and impactful than keeping the focus on ‘integrating the negative’.

From Protection to Passion

My client, Oliver, once told me he felt lonely even though he had many friends. Whenever someone wanted to get closer to him, he would push them away and protect his heart from an unknown threat. I could easily see what Oliver was talking about. While relating his story to me, he shrank in the area of his throat, his breathing got shallow, and a palpable wall was created between us. Before establishing the Pantrei Approach, I would have focused on how he protected himself and I would have taught him how to slowly let go of his defenses. In our Pantarei Approach sessions, however, I focused on what he was protecting himself from and why.

My conversation with Oliver quickly moved to how he wanted his father to see and acknowledge him beyond his outward achievements. He felt unseen as a child, and his father didn’t appreciate emotional expression, so Oliver developed a system of protection that blocked his ability to feel. In the hands-on part of our first session, while my hands touched his chest, I asked him what he feels he protects himself from when he’s with his friends. It was clear to both of us that the community of people he had around him in his adult life would indeed welcome his emotions.

Perspective shift

Oliver’s hands filled with energy when he discovered that the protection mechanisms he employed originally came from a place of sadness. Yet, when we brought our focus onto what he longed for, we uncovered a world of passion and desire; a longing for acceptance. Together, we opened the space for him to explore what his heart wanted as an adult without the feeling of shame, and without giving priority to his fear of rejection. We also held space for the frustration he still carried in him with regard to his father.

Oliver’s wish for true connection led the way. He could digest the constant disappointment he felt as a child, as well as his current fear of being rejected for what he had to offer. We had beautiful sessions where tears mixed with laughter and wishes mixed with sadness. Over time, he developed even closer and more heartfelt friendships. He also became more aware of how to get in touch with, and follow the calling of his own heart without giving disappointment the right of way.

Unmasking loneliness. Seeking connection, care, and beauty

When Claudia and I established The Pantarei Approach, we knew that we wanted to focus on the light in people, rather than giving all the space to the dark. The feeling of loneliness often camouflages the desire for connection. That desire to connect often reveals a tender, generous, loving nature that wishes for an outlet to express itself. Can you be lonely without a genuine love for humanity? Can you be lonely without wanting to be part of a community? Your loneliness reveals a value of connection and care, possibly even service.

Loneliness isn’t comfortable or desired, but the person who feels it, reveals something incredible about who they are beneath all the ‘negative’ judgment and emotion. They are often willing to take risks, in order to be with others and feel part of the world. It may be that they are seeking more beauty in their lives, and the loneliness they feel expresses the wish of their heart to beat more loudly.

Try it yourself

Think about something you don’t like about yourself. Now, challenge yourself to connect to the deeper layers of your heart. What does this same undesired part of you illustrate about who you are, what you long for, and what you stand for?

Choosing your path of self-growth

We can’t always choose the path that leads us toward self-growth. Some of the best teachers in life are the crises and challenges we have no option but to deal with. However, the world of self-development is where you can choose your path from a place of safety. You can choose the tools to use, like which type of therapy, bodywork, or art to engage in. You should, in fact, choose the essence of what you will listen to. Whether your focus will be on the shadows and darkness or on your resources and your light, is an important question to ask. Just as different paths can lead you toward the same destination, there are different paths to choose from when you navigate your way toward personal growth.

Let me clarify; we should not ignore and neglect our problems, difficulties, and challenges. I believe that it is almost impossible for us to overlook what bothers and pains us anyway. The question, taken from the example of Oliver, is whether you focus on your wish for true friendship and connection when you feel lonely, or you focus instead on your sadness and disconnect. Reality itself may not change and you might even continue to feel a sense of loneliness when listening to a deeper longing for a different society, a more honest connection between people, or your need to have a true sense of family, unlike the one you were born into. However, when we shift our focus, our experience changes.

Try it yourself and observe the difference

Can you describe an issue you’re experiencing with one of your friends, something you want to change? You can focus on what you wish to change in yourself, the other person, or the relationship itself. How does it make you feel when you think about it? Do you close your chest, breathe less, and clench your jaw? Can you notice how your way of thinking begins to narrow? Take a moment to observe how this question influences you. Now let go, breathe deeply, stretch, and bring yourself to think again about the same relationship.

Try it from the other direction

Describe the person you care about. You can express your feelings in writing, you can say them out loud, or simply think about them. What makes your friend special in your eyes and what makes your relationship unique? Notice how this makes your heart feel.

Now breathe more deeply into this experience and let the sensation of care and trust spread to each part of who you are. And what about the problem? Did you ignore the issues because you focused on what you love? According to my experience in life, with myself and my clients, focusing on the light does not push our problems away. Rather, it gives them a framework that allows us to work on them. This enhanced perspective allows us to find a unique pathway; to tap into our energy sources and gives us the possibility to address what bothers us from a place of safety and curiosity that contributes to everyone involved.

Embracing light while acknowledging the dark

The question for me is what we want to focus on and why. Getting better at something does not mean we must constantly focus on what is not okay. When people are truly willing to engage with their sadness, they also get in touch with parts of themselves that are pure, beautiful, and joyful. When a person allows themselves to notice their destructive relationship, they will likely also see their love, longing, loyalty, and commitment. And the question remains: from which side of the coin do we want to address our life?

In Pantarei Approach sessions I still bring hidden aspects of myself and my clients to the surface. I still believe in the power of integrating into conscious awareness, those parts of ourselves that we once denied. However, since co-founding The Pantarei Approach, my focus is no longer on the darkness in a person. Instead of focusing primarily on a person’s fears, I bring the spotlight onto that person’s wishes and dreams, just like in the example of Oliver. Instead of paying attention exclusively to their pain, I focus on the love that contains that pain, and which can eventually heal it.

I hope that no matter what you’re going through, what you want to have healed, or in what direction you are growing, you allow yourself the experience of embracing the light within yourself. Focusing on your resources doesn’t mean you deny what is difficult and what you might consider negative or shameful. Instead, embracing the complexities of yourself and those around you opens up many more pathways to growth, change, transformation, and connection. Please share your thoughts with me. I’d love to hear from you.

Written by Vered Manasse