Love is a Celebration of Uniqueness
The question “how did you two meet?” is always a winner when you want to start an interesting conversation. Whether you are in love or just friends, romantic or cynical, intellectual or pragmatic, rich or poor, you know that you will hear an interesting story, when you see the feelings in the eyes of those in front of you.
By asking that question a window is opened, to the many small details of a relationship. Some details just seem to accrue, but on reflection any detail, any moment, any second, any choice, the slightest word or gesture, all have their own part to play in this magnificent story of two people who were unfamiliar to each other, then turned out to be good friends, or partners for life.
How would you tell your story of when a stranger became your friend? Maybe you met by chance in a coffee place, when you were travelling, or at your work place. Maybe somebody introduced you at a party or connected you because their instinct said the two of you should meet. Maybe you used a dating app or website and were particularly taken by each other’s profiles. Or maybe it was just an ordinary moment in your life – buying groceries, sitting next to each other on a train, chatting as your dogs met in the park. Your story is unique whatever brought you two to meet and to develop your friendship. You are unique, they are unique, and any moment of your time together is unlike anybody else’s.
The partners we choose in our life, fascinate us because they are different to us. It doesn’t have to be only on a romantic level – it could be as a good friend, a business partner, or a child. They think differently to us and therefore can point out other options or ideas we didn’t think of. They can open up new horizons for us that we were not aware of. They are touched emotionally in different ways and we are there to let our own emotions be touched, they see things differently, act differently and love differently.
When clients of mine talk about difficulties they encounter in their relationship with a person they love, I sometimes ask how they met. Their eyes sparkle when they tell me their story, they start to remember how that person let them feel. Interestingly enough, often the things that fascinated them so much at the beginning can years later become the very things that perplex them the most in their loved ones.
“I loved his decisiveness” she said, with shining eyes, not seeing that his tendency to jump quickly to conclusions, rather than approaching things with more consideration, is part of his ability to quickly choose.
“I cannot stand how much time it takes her to decide” another client said about his partner, not realizing that years ago when they’d just met, they spent hours chatting about philosophical matters. That same ability to wonder about all of those philosophical concepts, and looking at things from different perspectives is the same reason she needs to think so much before she decides what to take with her for the day.
Love in many ways is to notice and respect what is unique about the person we have chosen. It is about learning the unique way your partner perceives life, their unique passions and desires, the activities they enjoy and what makes them fulfilled and happy. Knowing what touches them and the kind of future they crave for and create for themselves is what draws us closer to them. Seeing what makes the person next to us unique, creates intimacy and fosters understanding. It demands our empathy, our curiosity, flexibility in our thoughts, and above and beyond all else – it demands our love and respect.