Following our Own Unique Path

“I am confused, I don’t know what I want”, “I postpone everything to the last minute, I am lazy”, “I am too emotional”. It is just so easy to talk about our faults, blame ourselves or lose trust in our worth. I see and hear that every day. We are all on our own unique path, but client after client comes to me with the same kind of ‘confession’ about how they believe they were wrong. 

Self-doubt comes from within 

Just the other day I met a woman, just before she was about to relocate for work. In her initial call she said that she had come “because she needs courage”. She entered the room wearing a sporty outfit, shining and full of energy. She started talking about her doubts concerning the upcoming change.  “I have changed my work place almost every 2 years. People ask me ‘why are you running away all the time? Why don’t you stay here, in your current job?’” What I heard, was that her self-doubt was actually provoked by the ideas of others. It was just too easy for her to believe this is what others thought of her, rather than to look deeper into it what she might think herself. To wonder about why she might be running, or to have built her self-image as someone that runs away from difficulties and stability.  

I had known her for some time already, and I knew that she was a person that travelled often, liked to learn languages, to educate herself on different subjects, to participate in enrichment courses, to go climbing and more. She is a very curious person, with an explorer’s spirit. So why should she stay in one place? Why not follow her adventurous character to a place where the men smile at you in the streets and spaghetti is a work of art? Why not indulge her hunger for an international working environment? I didn’t hear that she needed courage – I heard that she needed to trust herself to be able to follow her own impulses. To follow her own unique path. 

Overcoming the challenges 

Looking at my own past, I can see the same tendency to look for where I was ‘wrong’. Looking at myself as obsessive, naïve and regretting some of the choices that I have made. But maybe I wasn’t obsessive, but actually just passionate and devoted? Maybe I was willing to take risks for what I wanted and choose the less convenient and conservative path? 

I was definitely devoted and difficulties would not put me off. I decided that I wanted to be a dancer when I was about 15 years old. I hadn’t had any serious dancing experience till then, unlike the girls around me that were standing on the tips of their point shoes and stretching their long legs. But when I danced I felt my heart grow, my emotions were expressed and my creativity had an outlet. It connected me to contemporary art and to what was going in the world. So, I did everything I could possibly do to overcome the physical restrictions I had. I invested all of my time, pocket money and babysitting earnings in taking more classes. I didn’t listen to the logical, adult advice I was given. I was stubborn, or maybe just clear about what I wanted and I did it – at least sometimes. But, I was 15 and of course not all the decisions I made then resulted in an empowering reality.  

I can look back at how I suffered when things didn’t work, at the loss of confidence I had to then rebuild later, at the isolation that I inflicted on myself as I looked for who to blame – myself? My parents? My teachers? I can focus now on the suffering that was then, on who to blame (which many of us do for years of our lives) or I can choose instead to accept that I overcame those challenges and focus on the strength within the lessons. The isolation was part of the past, but the blaming may continue today. I can also look back however and remember the incredible power I had and my ability to follow my own mind against everyone else’s; to not do anything that I wasn’t convinced of, and to be willing to risk it all for my dreams, that were big and sweet. 

Looking at myself through these glasses, highlights also the moments where my risks paid off and I achieved my goals. It also allows me to make peace with those situations where I fell and lost, knowing that I followed my heart.

Following our own unique path doesn’t spare us from challenges

The choices that we make in life, are expressions of who we were in that time and what was driving us. When we have a certain quality, we will try to express it, which in turn tests it. We then face the challenges of how to proceed with it. In my case for example, I was so determined and confident to do things my way and to not be put off by the difficulties, that I chose a goal that was very hard and also did things that were then less safe. It’s not just about toughness and challenges though – if you are very sensitive, you might attach yourself to people that need your sensitivity, or struggle with expressing your own needs, and wishes, or you might take responsibility for the pain of others. 

Your most genuine quality will set the state of play. It sets out the challenges and directs the path of growth. It doesn’t mean that it is easy and sometimes afterwards we might regret or think that it wasn’t ‘good’ for us. Maybe we got our hearts entangled in painful relationships or invested our energies in ventures that did not succeed in the end. But if rather than judging the situation for its temporary result, we look at the life of a person in a larger context, we can see that there was a force and a quality that wanted to be expressed. Following these unique and powerful qualities with respect and care, including also our experiences and learning from the past, may give us more calm and trust to follow our instincts – to follow our own unique path.

Acknowledging our uniqueness

We are unique beings. Each one of us has our own nature, talents, abilities and ways to perceive and sense what is around us. We get excited about different things and move to different rhythms. The challenges we went through in our lives drew from us different powers and sensitivities. Making our own choices has to include all of that and can’t be compared or aligned with what someone else would think and do in similar circumstances. Giving advice or making a comment should therefore be done with great caution and maybe some restraint, in order not to impose on the receiver what we think for ourselves. It is in looking at the unique nature of a person and asking questions about their direction that we empower them to find their own identity and be led by their uniqueness. 

 By Merav Gur Arie

Merav is a Pantarei Approach teacher and practitioner and a personal development mentor, helping people to find their own unique path. She will be holding a workshop in Berlin on Saturday 6th October on Feminine Strength and all are welcome.