When You Feel That You’re Losing Control

The accident happened when I was 24. It was a rainy day in Israel and I was driving along the highway, traveling from the north down towards Tel-Aviv. I was in my blue Golf, which I was so proud of. It was the first car that I had bought with my own savings. Driving along, listening to the radio, and singing along to the songs I loved, I felt happy. I felt that I was in full control. Then suddenly, everything changed.

From one moment to the next

The next moments filled me with a combination of fear and confidence, luck, and then some more luck. My car skidded and spun around on the wet tarmac. I found myself sitting on the highway, facing the oncoming traffic. I was in the middle lane. Right in front of me was a truck, and I can still remember the astonished face of the driver staring down at me as he slammed hard on the brakes.

At that moment, all I wanted to do was to forget everything that had just happened. I remember putting my car in reverse, in order to turn back around. All the other cars were lining up, waiting for me to complete my maneuver, and continue along their way. I pulled over onto the hard shoulder to take a minute and get my breath back. Somebody then pulled up behind me and came to check that I was okay. “I’m fine,” I told him quickly, so embarrassed by the scene I had caused.

Keeping the faith

“You have to recite the ‘Gomel prayer”, he said; a Jewish blessing recited upon deliverance from danger.
I was too young and too shaken at the time to grasp his words. I was so ashamed that something like that could happen to me. I’m not even sure how many people I even told about that accident. It was only years later that I started to digest that very moment. And to allow the memories to come flooding back. To remember that moment in which my body knew that there was nothing I could do. The control was not in my hands. I needed to let go and trust life. I knew in that very instant that any effort I made to stabilize the car would do exactly the opposite.

Letting go

When people ask about the option to let go and trust, this is one of the situations that comes to mind. This experience of letting go did not happen while watching a beautiful sunset, or in the middle of a meditation workshop. It was not by following the mindful instructions of a yoga teacher. It was there in that instant in which every cell in my body knew that I might not survive that moment. It happened in a situation in which ten seconds felt like an entire lifetime; where faith, embarrassment, luck, mixed together only to say that it was my time to let go of the situation; but not yet of this life.

Staying focused on my destination

These days I am often reminded of that moment. It is different on so many levels, yet I feel as if I don’t have full control of the wheel. There is a virus around, and there are health restrictions in place. We have governments taking their decisions, and people trying their best to continue living their lives, feeling the pressures and the challenges.

I haven’t lost sight of my destination. At times I feel that this focus is actually what keeps me with a sense of control in this moment. I know that I want to teach Pantarei. I believe in what I do. And I know that if more people would acknowledge each other’s uniqueness, we would take big steps towards creating a better society. This is what I wish for. I long to witness the miracles that happen in our courses again. I want to see those moments when strangers become allies and friends, supporting each other in their personal growth. I want to grow the Pantarei school and bring its power to as many people as possible.

And then I listen to the news, and I feel as if I am in that car again. I know my destination, but have to accept that faith is needed. There are unexpected obstacles on my path and I am not in control over everything that happens. In those moments, I need to let go and trust.

Trust

I would love to say that I can bravely manage to let go of the things I cannot control. However, that would be a lie. I would love to say that since that accident I know how to let go and trust in times of challenge. But that too is not the whole truth. What I can say is that the sensation of trust is something I come back to every now and again. I trust that my destination is still there. And that I am on my path to reaching it. Along the way, I can invite others to accompany me and even support me.

To feel that we are losing control is not a sweet feeling. Nevertheless, it is filled with strength. We need to remember to connect to the deepest wishes of our hearts and feel them there. We need to trust that we will find our way of fulfilling these wishes, even if there are unexpected challenges along the way.

Do you know that feeling of losing control? That the security you once felt is not there anymore? Do you know that feeling when you have no other choice but to let go and trust that you are still on your way? Trust that your destination is still there and that you should not give up on your dreams?

All I can say is to keep moving, keep your destination in view, even if your knees are shaking, and your heart is pounding.

I would love to hear about a moment in your life in which you felt you had lost control. What helped you continue along your path?

Written by Vered Manasse